i heart sg

maple syrup

::pic of a maple tree taken outside my faculty with my v3i::
autumn has arrived and the leaves are
fluttering gently down from the trees,
settling on the ground awaiting the
cool embrace of winter...


::a maple leaf i picked up::


::polaroid of lipei and i. taken the minute i just woke up::
mornings...
you dun hafta wake up
feeling sleepy, pissed and all.
instead, don your favourite hat,
find a friend to join you if possible,
and smile to the camera.
a great way to start off your day
feeling perky, crazy and all.
if that doesnt work,
you could reach for a glass of
coke and rum like i always do.
that way you could continue your day
feeling high, intoxicated and all.

the week was erratic with
no signs of slowing down.
has my life evolved into something
as dramatic and intense as say...
a soap opera?
or worst... laguna beach?!
(minus the babes, hunks, beach, money,
and everything fabulous)
so much drama.
so unlike me.
i cant act out my parts.
i cant remember my lines.
i need to catch my breath.
i need a change of script.
i need... a normal life.


::pic of hyqel and i::
you are my source of hope.
you are my source of sheer bliss.
you are my love.
you are my life.
with you beside me,
i could touch the highest of skies,
and not be burden by
the world we live in.
i trust you with all my heart,
and i'm thinking of you always.
trust me,
for i treasure wat we have.
i love you.
and i'm glad you feel the same too.
let's be together,
not be apart,
for it would be unimaginable,
and that we know very well.

passion drives me.
passion motivates me.
passion brings out the best in me.
with the temporary death of passion,
everything seems meaningless.
i need to rekindle this lost passion.
i need to put my all in my school projects.
i need to unleash my full potential,
because i know i'm more than that.
gona drown myself in assignments...
willingly of cos.


::a scan pic of my vanity fair::
black, chic and everything Tom Ford.
every aspect of him speaks style.
admiration and adoration.
i had to get my hands on
vanity fair's hollywood issue.
and i did! a couple of weeks back.
a pity singapore's not selling it.

instead of hating, i'm learning to
appreciate wat melbourne has to offer...
with my trusty V3i tactically hidden
in my hand, i spent the evening after
school snapping as i head home.


::pic of caulfied train station taken with my v3i::


::pic taken at caulfield train station with my v3i::


::farris wheel at federation square taken with v3i. the farris wheel is there for melbourne's comedy festival::


::pic taken at my favourite place, JB hi-fi!::


::erm... lipei and i goofing ard::


::jolina and i at the jap restuarant waiting for our takoyaki::


::terrance and i at the jap restaurant::


conclusion...
i heart singapore.

my declaration, sorries, and thanks.

my declaration

::pic of hyqel and i::
goals were made,
my mind was set,
a plane ride away,
to end it all.
actions were taken,
questions were answered,
doubts were cleared,
tears were shed.
the saga ends here,
and lessons were taught.
whatever the future brings,
is anyone's guess.
i have learnt not to
anticipate future unhappiness,
and to take one day at a time.
believe. faith. hope.
and most importantly, love.
the trip back was in a way, a success.
i'm glad that i'm able to smile again.
not smiling in denial.
not smiling my tears away.
but a genuine smile from the heart.
and yes,
i'll hold your hands, and place it on your heart.
i'll hold your hands, and stroll with you.
i'll hold your hands, and create endless memories.
"memories of you and me; of us."
this is my declaration:
i love you dear2.
we will make it.
wait for me,
cos i'll come back to you.
and though i'm not suppose to say it,
i miss you lots.



to someone:
i may not have put it in the nicest way possible...
but my intentions... my decision...
you have to understand.
i duno who to blame.
but wat is done, has been done.
time cannot be altered.
and we can only be responsible for our actions.
regret we may feel.
hurt we may inflict.
but wat is done, has been done.
i endured your nonsence.
and the wait was long.
but all i got in return was negligence.
you blew your chance.
and now you want it back.
but wat is done, cant be undone.
i wshed you had realised it earlier.
but you didnt.
and so my feelings for you have long gone.
friendship i do cherish.
the question lies within you.
is it all or nothing?
cos i have given my all to someone else.
i'm offering something much less.
but is it worth while to you?
i'm sorry to have hurt you.
i'm sorry for everything.
i'm hurt myself.
and i never wanted all this to happen.
but wat is done, has been done.
we have to stop living in denial.
thank you for the memories.
i'll cherish them for sure.


::polaroid pic of jenn, boshen, rain and i::

::polaroid of xianli, lipei and i::
during this rough time,
i wana thank all those who have left comments
on my blog and have showed their utmost care.
a big, gigantic thank you to jenn, boshen and rain for meeting
up with me and being there for me.
it means a lot and i appreciate your kind gesture.
to jenn:
"thanks jenn for everything. your good intentions
are greatly appreciated. thanks for sending me
off at the airport too... you sure are good at comforting me.
i treasure your comments. see you in june."
to boshen:
"thanks for your understanding. i didnt know that you knew...
but i hope the truth would not jeopardize our friendship.
thanks for sending me off as well. and yeah, see you in june."
to rain:
"yo! i hope my numbness didnt frightened you on the flight of stairs.
have a great time at summer camp. please be safe! i'll miss you terribly.
for the next time we meet, would be year end.
keep in touch always, for you mean to me more than you know. "
wana thank kenny too for taking time off
from his studying time to just hear me out.
to kenny:
"hey! study hard for your exams ya. dun study something else....
(you know wat). still cant believe i sat with you at orchard
and joined you in commenting on... (you know wat) take care
and hope to haf dinner with you and the gang when i return."
infinite thanks to lipei.
to lipei:
"you have been there for me throughout. no one, and i mean no one,
has given me as much care as you have given me. i wana
be there for you too. you dun hafta go thru it alone."
to gabrielle:
"thanks for taking time off to read my blog and to discover the unknown.
yeah, i have changed since JC eh... am i more matured? hee~ my JC life would
not have been that managable if not for you. hope to arrange something with
you and grace when i get back. in the mean time all the best in your studies."
and of cos to charlotte:
"it was definitely weird when you asked me those questions on the couch.
i didnt expect you to be so observant... and yet so concern of my well-being. that's not
to say it's a bad thing, cos i really am glad for all you have done for me."

dear2, i wana say i love you again.


::pic of melb city taken from my room balcony wif my V3i::
back in melbourne only means 1 thing...
i hafta rush for my sch work....
so much work, so little time.
i hope i do well...
i pray i can focus and get back on track.
cant wait for all this frenzy to end.

some pics i took with my V3i

::pic of jenn and i::


::pic of rain and i::


::pic of boshen and i::


::pic of kenny and i in the midst of observing....::


::pic of hyqel and i::


::pic of charotte and i in the car::


::pic of hyqel and i::


::pic taken in a cab::


where do i go from here?
i'm not sure.
but i'm definitely taking one day at a time.
and i just pray things would start going
right from now on...

home sweet home...?

a depressing return

::pic of my house taken with my new motorola RAZR V3i
i have a new mobile phone!::
my earlier blog entry had me saying
'making a depressing return...'
to everyone's shock, it actually means that
i was returning home to singapore.
yeah, you read it right, i'm in fact in
singapore right now.
an impulsive decision.
a dumb reckless one?
whatever the reasoning, i'm already home
and nothing's gona change that.
what could change would be the way i'm feeling.
depression.
a word i find hard embracing.
happiness.
a word long forgotten.
hope.
a word that keeps me going for now,
but not for long...

the missing of home.
the missing of someone special.
the devastating words of his.
the depressing feeling over taking me.
the need to know if people who care
are there for me.
these are the factors for my return.
and i'm here to sort, find and solve.
so far... not only am i failing...
i see myself taking a step back
from where i started...

a sense of uncertainty still lingers.
feelings. thoughts. reactions. actions.
a sense of complication overshadows everything.
moody. confuse. pain. exhausted.
i wish it was at least manageable.
a sense of anxiety breaks me and i pray it'll
just leave me alone.
anxious. nausea. restless.
a sense of hope from the powers of prayer,
but only temporary...
calms. assures. peace.

maybe love isnt for everyone.
it isn't for me anyway.
it pierces the heart and leaves me
dead, numb, zombiefied.
but most importantly, hurt.
why cant God grant me the 1 thing
i want and cherish.... love...

i really pray that everything would
go back to normal...
a time when i can smile...
a time when i can laugh...
a time when i can be myself...
a time without pain...
a time without suffering...
a time without uncertainty...
a time when i can say my life is great...

my best friend lipei from melbourne
wrote something for me on her blog. click here
it's called "dear dylan" and it represented
accurately the feelings i have...
it goes like this:

DEAR DYLAN
Be it, or be there,
One choice to heal,
Maybe only to feel better,
But at least.

Can't wait, can't wait,
For now, it's that and numbness,
Don't know what to feel yet,
Should I be this?
Or should I be that?

There is a plan,
Most call it desperation,
But I name it necessity,
It's my faith, It's my believe,
I must do this,
For me, For us,
Us...If only.

::pic of my mum and i taken with my V3i::


::pic of charlotte and i at Lido shaw, taken with my V3i::
the two ladies in my life who have been there
for me when i needed comfort...

depression

top of the world

::a polaroid i took during sunrise. i love this pic a lot::
high up in the sky,
overlooking the skyline,
taking in the surroundings in awe.
for a moment time stood still,
as i stoned at it, wishing if it was possible
that one day, i could be on it.
would the sunrise be more beautiful up there?
would the city seem more peaceful up there?
would the air be fresher up there?
or would i be fearing the height?
i would never know...
not till i get on it and be on top of the world...
for now, it's just me, my polaroid and my dreams...


::a drawing i did during class::
i find myself doodling in lectures or classes...
my secondary school textbooks used to be
vandalised with my rubbish fantasies,
creating new super power heros and heroines
as my biology teacher was going
through parts of the flowers.
a bad habit?
i wouldnt think so, as it was my doodling that
got me to where i am right now.
in fact, i wished i had drawn even more on my
notes or test papers...
however, i had a break from it when i was
serving my national service.
for 2 years, i never picked up my pencil.
a regretful action i must say,
for my drawing skills plundered.
and considering that i'm in the
illustrative, creative sector, it would have
benefitted me a whole lot.
however, i'm doodling again like before.
sure, my skills aren't the same, but with loads
of practice, i'm sure i would be on par.... hopefully...

the only person i can talk to when i'm down is myself...
as much as i wana believe that people would be there for me,
it doesn't happen...
sometimes i wonder if i had sprayed paint an entire wall,
would anyone even notice it....
are my actions justifiable?
wat am i doing all these for?
if people who supposedly cares for me the most dun appreciate,
then am i only doing it for myself?
proving to myself would not get me anywhere.
people know themselves the best, and the reason why
that is so is because other people do not bother to
take time out to understand that person.
i have lost hope seeking people for comfort.
apparently, it's my problems so i hafta deal it myself.

love is but a sham...
i wana spend my life wif you...
but apparently you are unhappy being with me...
it came too sudden.
i couldnt swallow it down.
my heart is in pieces...
but no one can mend it... except you...
i couldnt believe you didnt need me at all...
i wana be a part of your life,
but you could never open yourself to me...
i feel useless, yet disappointed and exhausted...
but even so, i still wana be with you till the end of time...
this is wat love does... drives you crazy for someone...
is it the end for us? i pray not...
for you bring happiness to my life...
and i just pray i'll be able to do the same...
pls dun leave me, you're all that i've got...
i really wished i hadnt gone to melbourne....


::pic taken with lipei at a photobooth along chapel street. love the light leaks::
thank you my friend.
you have been there for me in the darkest of times.
i could never thank you enough.
though you dun quite know wat to say,
or how to help me,
but your presence is enough to
make me feel a little better.
i dunno what i'll do without you.
you sacrificed your pajamas for my tears,
and woke up from slumber just to make
sure i felt better...
i could never ask for more.
my best friend, without a doubt.

'making a depressing return...'
go figure wat it really means...
i bet you'll be shocked if you know wat i mean...

changing season

freezing cold...

it seems we skipped autumn and
went straight to winter...
just overnight, we went from wearing
1 layer to 3 layers...
the recent downpour isn't helping...
extreme strong winds,
drenched clothes,
crowded trams...
not very habitable for a tropical boy like me.
just wana snug into bed with the heater on
and never leaving the room till summer comes.

i'm overjoyed that my parents have agreed
to let me fly home during my mid year break.
bye bye harsh freezing cold melbourne!
hullo hot scotching singapore!
i'm looking forward to returning home.
nothing beats home...
yeah sure, singapore aint perfect...
but neither is the rest of the world.

in a split second,
everything went totally haywired...
you were lying in your own blood
as the pain slowly seeped in.
the piecing glasses had cause serious injuries
to your arm and leg, and an operation
had to be done a.s.a.p.
i'm glad that you are now well dear2.
i wish i could be there for you, physically.
i miss you so much.
you mean the world to me.
i love you so much.
for there is nothing in this world i want,
other than your love for me.
i'm glad we share the same views,
and i'm glad we would be spending
our lives together.
so get well soon dear2, and wait for my return.