home sweet home...?

a depressing return

::pic of my house taken with my new motorola RAZR V3i
i have a new mobile phone!::
my earlier blog entry had me saying
'making a depressing return...'
to everyone's shock, it actually means that
i was returning home to singapore.
yeah, you read it right, i'm in fact in
singapore right now.
an impulsive decision.
a dumb reckless one?
whatever the reasoning, i'm already home
and nothing's gona change that.
what could change would be the way i'm feeling.
depression.
a word i find hard embracing.
happiness.
a word long forgotten.
hope.
a word that keeps me going for now,
but not for long...

the missing of home.
the missing of someone special.
the devastating words of his.
the depressing feeling over taking me.
the need to know if people who care
are there for me.
these are the factors for my return.
and i'm here to sort, find and solve.
so far... not only am i failing...
i see myself taking a step back
from where i started...

a sense of uncertainty still lingers.
feelings. thoughts. reactions. actions.
a sense of complication overshadows everything.
moody. confuse. pain. exhausted.
i wish it was at least manageable.
a sense of anxiety breaks me and i pray it'll
just leave me alone.
anxious. nausea. restless.
a sense of hope from the powers of prayer,
but only temporary...
calms. assures. peace.

maybe love isnt for everyone.
it isn't for me anyway.
it pierces the heart and leaves me
dead, numb, zombiefied.
but most importantly, hurt.
why cant God grant me the 1 thing
i want and cherish.... love...

i really pray that everything would
go back to normal...
a time when i can smile...
a time when i can laugh...
a time when i can be myself...
a time without pain...
a time without suffering...
a time without uncertainty...
a time when i can say my life is great...

my best friend lipei from melbourne
wrote something for me on her blog. click here
it's called "dear dylan" and it represented
accurately the feelings i have...
it goes like this:

DEAR DYLAN
Be it, or be there,
One choice to heal,
Maybe only to feel better,
But at least.

Can't wait, can't wait,
For now, it's that and numbness,
Don't know what to feel yet,
Should I be this?
Or should I be that?

There is a plan,
Most call it desperation,
But I name it necessity,
It's my faith, It's my believe,
I must do this,
For me, For us,
Us...If only.

::pic of my mum and i taken with my V3i::


::pic of charlotte and i at Lido shaw, taken with my V3i::
the two ladies in my life who have been there
for me when i needed comfort...